We all age.
It’s a fact of living and not dying. Once we move on from desiring youth, we may start to, or may have always appreciated a little bit more maturity in what we want.
In the Queer male dating world, we have whole scenes dedicated to the phenomenon, jokingly/not so jokingly (examine that patriarchy why dontcha?!) playing on our sexual-psychological make up, and run after the “daddy” archetype.
In reality, buyers have long played out these sorts of fantasies in car showrooms for decades as well. When muscle machines made nuisances of themselves, and people sought for a little bit more luxury, a little more silence with their strength, the grand move was made towards personal coupes. It had started quietly in the late 50’s, but by the time happiness could be found in carefree bathouses of the Gay Liberation 70’s, there were just about as many choices from American manufacturers as there were gloryholes.
So, as a follow up to our Scruff profile play up of 60’s muscle machines, we delve into DILF territory by pairing familiar famous faces with cars that fit their type of DILF.
1) 1963 Buick Riviera/Anderson Cooper
Both Cooper and the ’63 Riviera came from old names and old money. Buick still survives to this day, nearly 115 years after their founding due to the fact that it was a cornerstone legacy brand during the founding of General Motors. Anderson has used the wealth of his Vanderbilt family line to carve out a friendly yet feisty persona as a top journalist at CNN. Both car and man omit an aura of durable silver fox, silver in the bank assured and shrewd opulence that intoxicate as premium choices of what to ride in and what to pay attention to in primetime. It’s up to you to decide whom I’m referring to in terms of riding and paying attention.
2) 1969 Pontiac Grand Prix/Chris Meloni
Brash with a working class swagger and glutes to back it up, the Pontiac Grand Prix nor Chris Meloni have never been shy about showing it all off. Whether it be Oz or 1962, getting down to the naked truth to sell your story proved best for both. We look to the 1969 version of the Grand Prix the phoenix-rising period, and perhaps the most unique version of the storied Grand Prix name as Meloni’s mirror here. With a proud face, performance credentials and little space for other occupants, the Grand Prix works best with one sidekick, as does Stabler when paired with Benson (this paragraph dedicated to decades of Law & Order:SVU re-runs).
3) 1962 Studebaker Grand Turismo Hawk/Mo Rocca
Both Mo Rocca and The Studebaker Hawk have long trajectories into DILF-dom, on a “Funny How Time Slips Away” spectrum. Once upon a time both Rocca and The former Starlight Coupes were the fresh new twink faces with a brain and a spark of wit about them. Flash forward a decade or two, depending on who, and we find a silver haired comedic journalist possibly at the height of his attractiveness being mirrored by a style leader at its most stately. Hopefully, Rocca has a far longer future showing us how to live out all stages of one’s existence than the Hawk did.
4) 1958 Ford Thunderbird/Andy Cohen
There’s by no incident in order that I put the crass ’58 Thunderbird and Andy “I’m a Top” Cohen behind the refinement of Mo Rocca. Although popular and genre breaking in categories of automobiles and entertainment, both the ’58 Squarebird and Cohen offer nothing particularly new, in reality were/are pretty flaccid and borrowed the best from their guests to build their acclaim on. Maybe Cohen will eventually refine himself like the Squarebird and its successors did, but I wouldn’t bet money on it.
5) 1963 Oldsmobile Starfire/Mike Rowe
It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it. So goes The Oldsmobile Starfire and Mike Rowe. Where Chris Meloni developed into the ’69 Grand Prix by stripping down, Mike and the Starfire tried on every bit of supposedly butch jewelry to initially win the muscle man race of 1962. However, while we consistently hear from Chris, we rarely hear a cry out of Rowe, who’s probably been blacklisted to the bathroom off tapping 1-2-3 on the floor for more with all of the other Hollywood Conservatives of questionable sexual orientations. Likewise, the Starfire was a quick ratings boost for the Oldsmobile Network, but got lost in the shuffle when paired with knockoffs like the Jetstar I and had to cede the stage to the Toronado.
6) 1970 Chevrolet Monte Carlo/Jamie Foxx
The Malibu had to stop blaming it on the alcohol and had to grow up eventually, right? The same could be said for Jamie Foxx, whose slide away from comic shenanigans of his youthful entertainment has decidedly gone mainstream and Oscar seeking as he ages. The Monte Carlo was more or less a Chevelle with enhancements dressed up in Oldsmobile Respectability drag, and the “deep” portrayals that Foxx has sought in his recent career years have been similar. But the Monte Carlo could still be outfitted to throw a party with a bevy of big block V8’s. I’m pretty sure, once you throw Fantastic Mr. Foxx a drink, he’s such a bunch of fun for the evening too.
7) 1975 Chrysler Cordoba/Ricky Martin
Ricky Martin denied telling us for a long long time of his true hearts desire. Chrysler denied us a long long time a more personal, individualized compact package of its refined luxury decades after other brands yielded to the cries of the public. Ricky came out as a literal DILF with husband and kids, and Chrysler gave us the Cordoba, full of “Rich Corinthian Leather” and all the silky uptown prestige you could want from Highland Park in a more manageable package. I actually don’t know which is cheesier, “Livin’ LaVida Loca” or made up types of interior cowhide. I’m not too sure that matters, both go great with a set of leather chaps.
8) 1974 AMC Matador Coupe/Jeff Goldblum
You ever sat and looked at something (or somebody) and felt that you had to justify finding it/them attractive? I’ve felt that way about both the AMC Matador Coupe, one of Kenosha’s last gasp attempts at relevancy. I’ve also felt that way since Jeff Goldblum was in The Fly. Thankfully time has mellowed the very brutalist meets curvature looks of both the Matador and Jeff Goldblum’s features. Stark, yet familiar, and aware of their absurdist attractiveness, both blend into being the rides for the aging millennial hipster in search of security, obscurity and sexual satisfaction.
9) 1966 Oldsmobile Toronado/Jon Stewart
Sometimes things are just brilliant just because they can be. Oldsmobile often shot their rockets high in the sky with innovations such as the automatic transmission and the first mass production turbocharged production car. Oldsmobile did it again in ’66 by giving the world the first rather trouble free Front Wheel Drive mass-produced V8 luxury coupe. Jon Stewart, well, don’t we miss him as he similarly knocked it out of the park, combining down home wisdom, wit and intelligence as a comedian who, in a lot of ways, was perhaps the finest anchor journalist we had over the last 2 decades? All the while, he had a smug smile but not an overly macho need to assert himself over others, allowing others to shine brightly. The Toronado never was the personal luxury champ, but challenged others to do things in a more refined way.
10) 1968 Lincoln Continental Mark III/Patrick Warburton
Sometimes you just want to lounge on the couch. Sometimes that couch is on wheels. Sometimes that couch has a pulse. For the Potato in all of us, I’d prescribe time behind the wheel of a Lincoln Continental Mark III. For cuddling up to an actual man I’d prescribe Patrick Warburton. Both are outfitted with the finest of quality of things in snuggily, sturdy bulk. Both might have a profound appetite to be fed….things…. Both of them might play dumb but are brighter than what meets the eye. Both have rather squinty faces.
11) 1967 Cadillac Eldorado/Denzel Washington
You’re best to put some respect in your voice when you talk about Mr. Eldorado. The same goes for thee preeminent Black Actor of the last 35 years. He doesn’t get his name regularly mentioned at awards seasons for no reason. He’s kind of a Standard of The World unto himself. He still presents as a clean, chiseled object of desire as a senior citizen. The 1967 Front Wheel Drive, personal coupe version of the Eldorado nameplate is approaching its AARP membership age with similar silent sex appeal. Don’t let their intimidating stance be a fence to all of your desires.
12) 1966 Chevrolet Caprice Coupe/Bobby Cannavale
Top rung Chevrolet’s have pretended to be luxury cars for everyone since the beginning of the brand. Bobby Cannavale has played gay so often for pay he probably knows more about butt sex than you’ll ever know just from reading a script. Our favorite everyday people close out our list with the hope that we all find something on our options sheet that will keep us warm as we too grow grey hair, if we’re lucky to keep hair on our heads and get more wrinkles and tears in our own personal leather.