Every Queer dude has been there. Single, Widowed, Married with Children, on our smart phones, scrolling and swiping endlessly through archetypes and stereotypes of our community a plenty.
How about cheering and classing ourselves up imagining ourselves as vintage iron and muscle?In collaboration with fellow friend in finery and funny August, here’s how the cross section of CIS-masculinity in Queer Spaces translates to some favorite muscle machines of years past. We combine a bit of shade and some of the astro signs to give archetypes that reach far and deep.
Chevy Malibu SS 396 = This dude unlocks before you even ask. You’re surprised at all of the different perspectives of their dick pics and throughly impressed with the variety of positions of their butt shots. Just like Chevrolet once upon a time, he wants to present you with every possible option, insecure that you’ll notice one flaw and move on to the next square.
This totally ambitious Aries of a Car/Dude can’t wait for Friday Night, Saturday Night and the Sunday Tea Dance. Somehow he’ll still have enough energy to get to his Customer Service job 6 am Monday Morning.
Pontiac GTO = No Fats, No Femmes, No Asians, No Blacks says this dude. He’s basically your Ryan Lochte of classic cars and classic lazy American Masculinity. Chances are he’s also a Leo.
Like a number of Leos I’ve know he’s actually a completely passive bottom that just lies there and spends more time collecting unlocks of Malibu SS 396’s than actually having sex. He’s all show, but little action, and besides a big “engine” you can’t really put him more to use.
He Pays $12.99 a month because 1) That “Market Specialist” position at Salesforce means they can afford it and 2) They really, specifically, know what they want 3) They don’t want to let anyone know *exactly* what they want.
Oldsmobile 4-4-2 = This dude is a little bit more active, more refined, and far less annoying than Our GTO/White Privilege Turducken Queer. He likes Urban Hiking and Nude Spelunking. Chances are he knows just the private spot due to his extensive travels while out and about.
He’s a Gemini, full of surprises. He sends you a fundraising link to AIDS Life Cycle to prove that they’re better than you, but well, he will also remind you that “All Lives Matter!”
He has to get new bike shorts every two weeks because of the persistence lube stains from his “Rides of Game” home. Asks you if you’re heard about PrEP because they can’t get hard using condoms.
Skylark GS = This guy loves to go wine tasting, (and outlet shopping when drunk). He abhors working hard with his hands, whether that means grabbing a shovel in the garden or grabbing a dildo or a Fleshlight to take care of his needs in the Bedroom.
He has season tickets to the local Opera, has a Spotify playlists for Maria Callas, Cesara Evora and Ke$ha. He’s got fuzzy handcuffs and loads of Credit Card debt. Our Libra of Muscle Men-Cars wants to keep things balanced, by using *your* checkbook. He’ll still ask you, account dry, whether you’d really rather have him instead of all the other options out there. Otherwise, be ready to lose all your Gas Money to Gaslighting.
Mustang = He wants to know if you “Crossfit, Bro/ Need a Crossfit partner?” He’s a member of the Gay Softball League, or Gay Flag Football League, or in Fastback form, a member of the Gay Rugby League (HOW EXOTIC) because just because he’s Gay doesn’t mean he has to do stereotypical Gay things. Forever trying to prove he’s not a Momma’s Boy, our Cancerian Child of the Ford Falcon overcompensates with a list of ways to prove he’s totally the man you want.
Watch out for the flailing he’ll do when “Single Ladies” comes on, tho. He really really really wants you to put a ring on it.
Engagement Ring or Cock Ring, it doesn’t matter.
Camaro = This dude is totally “Not into the scene” and prefers to watch Baseball Games, Football Games and to start off J/O or H/Jing to porn with a buddy (it might lead to oral, he has no gag reflex).
He really Really REALLY has a thing for tightie whities.
And Velveeta. He’s Has never heard of or thought of “cleaning out.” Or going to a Library for anything other than the reliable wireless access to stream XTube in the bathroom on his phone, when really, he should get one of the readily available copies of The Joy Of Gay Sex. Our Capricorn of potential cuddlers through the night has his set list of practical concerns, and is solely concerned with what will be suitable to society, while not necessarily thinking of whats of service to him, or you.
Corvair Corsa = Our lovely Social Justice Warrior prefers going to poetry readings and relishes opportunities to discuss white privilege. You wonder when the hell he has time to work when he has plenty of time and energy to get into comment wars on Facebook, Twitter and every Twee Website that hosts comments via Disqus.
Ta-Nehisi Coates is their favorite author, W. Kamau Bell their favorite comedian. He lives in a 3/4ths permanently gentrified neighborhood. Believes in “Ethical Non-Monogamy.”
Our Aquarian Contrarian really loves a great thrift find. Thrift find = something from Urban Outfitters 10 seasons ago. He has massive student loan debt from Naropa University that his parents are trying to “teach him a lesson with.” He’ll take you away on an apple picking trip to their parents, because those purse strings and the umbilical cord will never fully detach, but you’ll just end up flip fucking in the hot tub.
Cougar XR-7 = He’s The classiest broad on a budget that happens to know everyone from that dude at the Mayor’s office that can get you that permit for your street party to the person that’ll legit tailor those pants you got from Banana Republic for your Job interview for free.
Don’t let his exposure to the finer things in life, and access to them fool you. Our Talented Taurus had a hard scrabble background and fought super hard to land with the security and luxury (Say it with him, FINE. LEATHER. GOODS. MI-MO-SAH). All he asks is to pinch your butt and french kiss you a few times in return.
Barracuda = Behind those Warby Parker Frames and that mousy smirk lies perhaps the biggest extrovert willing to drop everything in the moment to go camping with you.
Which means they’ll be talking about the benefits of moving in together and eventually moving to an “emerging metropolitan” area like Sacramento, Madison or Kansas City on Date 2.
Our Virgo urban planner meets urban homesteader thinks time is slipping away, and male pattern baldness and mid-section paunchiness are the next thing happening in both of your lives, and he just might be right. Actually he is right, has all the calculations on how he is right, and all the ways to maximize your joint resources. In this dystopian future, he’s got you, and you don’t really need another hero.
Charger = He’s the High School Jock that didn’t come out until he moved to the “Big City.” Fighting his peak relevance and owning up to bullying less butch dudes that reminded him that he too, shed a tear seeing old Judy Garland Clips, our Sagittarius wants to be a healthy example of Masculinity.
He’s always in the front line in his contingent of the Pride Parade. He has a huge assortment of grey t-shirts 2 sizes too tight. Believes in the 2nd Amendment AND Gun Control at the same time and might not see where he continually contradicts himself on political issues. Really likes it when you tickle his taint. He might always have a goofy grin on his face, but it gets wider when you aim for t’aint your balls and t’aint your butt.
AMC Javelin = Average dude that works tech support. He finally gets that you should wear flat front Khakis instead of pleated ones, but don’t make him get rid of his Keds.
Always playing second fiddle in a crowd full of alphas and posers, our Pisces doesn’t really get why people hate eating at chain restaurants, and really is a fan of Soup, Salad and Breadsticks. He has big plans for finding a ranch house 30 miles away from work where he can have a “Game Room” either in his garage or in “one of the spare Bedrooms.” Why confine yourself to the restrictions of “Gay Ghettos” when there’s a huge world to swim through? He reads a lot of Star Trek: TNG slash as masturbation materials. Sometimes he wants to bottom for Picard, top Riker, and share a double ended dildo with Data.
Avanti R2: You can have all of your labels and your particular boundaries but this dude takes old world craftsmanship, international flair, down home humble American know how, and’ll blow all of your fucking doors off. You’re Welcome (He’ll also outlive all of you assholes).
Our Scorpio finale man-machine wants to take you higher, deeper, and faster, and put you away nice and sweaty (it’s great for the skin, and the heart!). He also might stalk you, might grow envious of all the other dudes achieving success with their “common” ways, and become a bit irrational or as fragile as his fiberglass construction. Take care of masterpieces, they come to light under the highest of stress conditions and can be an magnificent Phoenix always ready to rise from the ashes.